So, here I sit, in a Live Art class at Uni, without much to do, as my eventual performance will be a solo based in part on some of the things I say on this blog, as such I don't have much use at this point in time for a rehearsal space, at least until I have everything worked out.
This entry may be somewhat shorter as I'm writing it on a smartphone, but with that said I have almost 2 hours to kill and am too polite to leave early, so you never know.
At this point in writing I am unsure how this will go down, as I haven't decided what to talk about, so here's instant-more interesting material technique number one: think up something that annoys you and rant about it, fortunately there's no shortage of things that annoy me, so let's think...
Since I'm in a performance space it seems appropriate to talk about something performance-related, speaking of which there is something a lot of people tend to get wrong about me, more specifically about my confidence issues, namely, it's the assumption that I have confidence issues.
Okay I think I've found a subject, so first thing's first, there is NOTHING wrong with my confidence, but for those reading that don't know me perhaps I should explain why one might think otherwise.
See, I'm what one might call a quiet guy, I tend to sit and listen in group conversations rather than talk a lot, on nights out many take this as a sign that I'm not enjoying myself, I am though, I just like listening.
Anyway, from that the astute among you will probably have gathered that I'm quite an introverted person, I live in my head and don't like to bother people, if you speak to me I will answer you, but I rarely initiate conversation.
This is not however, an issue with confidence, a little more background info, I am a 3rd year university student studying Performing Arts, this is my 8th year studying this subject at one level or another, 9th if you count one year of Expressive Arts in school, and 10th if you're going chronologically since that point (took a year out between college and uni...nothing happened.)
My point is that for a long time, I've been in a line of work that requires confidence by definition, I did indeed struggle with confidence once upon a time, but I have worked very hard to overcome that.
The reason I think people believe I still struggle could be the aforementioned quietness, but I think I have a better idea, see, I do struggle with something, but it isn't confidence, what I struggle with is guilt.
I feel more or less perpetually guilty, about anything I might do, people have cited my reluctance to approach people to ask them to work with me as a confidence problem, but the truth is slightly different.
Over the years as someone physically disabled (though not nearly as limited as others) I have come to terms with the fact that in a physical environment people find the prospect of having to put together a performance with me quite daunting, understandably so.
There's also the fact that people will just have other people that they would rather work with, which is only natural, but I've become very good over the years at reading faces.
The point here is, for someone who struggles with guilt it is difficult to ask someone to work with you if you already know that they don't want to, and also that people find it harder to say no to me than some others because wheelchair, to be fair my classmates know me well enough by now to know I won't take it personally, but there's always that niggling thought in the back of my mind that anything anyone has ever done for me was motivated by pity, and I hate that, yet I can't stop the thought from occurring.
So there you have it, I do have a problem, but it's not one with confidence, I'm confident enough, I just feel unnecessarily guilty all the damn time. You can all stop telling me I need more confidence now.
Actually that's another thing, stop telling anyone to be more confident, even if they need to. If someone lacks or needs more confidence, they know, they don't need you to tell them. To me, telling a shy person they need more confidence is akin to telling a homeless person they "just need to have a bit more money" or telling a short person "all you need is a bit more height" you may well be right, but they still don't have it. recognition that you need more of something will not help you get it.
So, yeah...stop saying that
