Ranking the Star Wars movies

WARNING! FUCKING MASSIVE SPOILERS FOR THE LAST JEDI AHEAD! AS WELL AS ALL THE OTHERS, I SUPPOSE, BUT IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THOSE YET YOU PROBABLY DON'T CARE, SO MOSTLY WARNING ABOUT THE FUCKING MASSIVE LAST JEDI SPOILERS!

Well, I was probably always bound to do this eventually, I was going to wait until Episode IX came out, but fuck it why not do it now? Right, you know how these work, worst-to-best and why, so without further ado, let's get on with this. (BTW, Theatrical releases only)

#10: Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008)

If this list is a dinner party, then Clone Wars is the guest you only invited to make up the numbers and because they know everyone else is coming and to not invite them would be awkward. Clone Wars really is kind of a nothing-movie to me, a movie-length pilot episode for the  Clone Wars animated series. which, while occasionally pretty damn good, I found mostly mediocre to okay. There's not really much else I can say about it, the story was uninvolving, it came after Revenge of the Sith so there was precisely zero investment to be had in the arcs of most of the characters, because you know how it's going to end up anyway. 

The only saving grace of this film would be introducing Ahsoka Tano, the most interesting original character in the Clone Wars series (haven't seen Rebels yet, but I'm glad to hear she's in it.) Other than that nothing worth mentioning happens, and if the vocal talents of both Christopher Lee and Samuel L. Jackson fail to improve your movie, there is no help for it. 

#9: Episode II: Attack of the Clones (2002)

It shouldn't surprise most people that this one falls where it does, Phantom Menace has its problems, but at least it wasn't boring. I should say before I sound like a hater that I like, and will happily watch all of the Star Wars movies, but Clones is probably the one I most need friends around to help me enjoy it. 

There's stuff to like about this one to be sure, but these things are often few, far between and short-lived. This installment seems far too preoccupied with a painfully written, and badly acted romance between Anakin and Padme. I've got nothing against romance in my sci-fi, but I do ask that it's done...y'know...well...or at least have dialogue that comes across like something a human being might say (no, not even a sheltered space-monk with no experience is exempt from this rule) The saving graces here are that said dialogue is occasionally unintentionally funny. As such the movie remains as quotable as any of the Star Wars movies, albeit for slightly different reasons,  There are some fun performances to be seen, Ewan McGregor is consistently entertaining throughout the entire prequel trilogy as Obi-Wan, and here is no exception. Christopher Lee is Christopher Lee, he was never not a great addition to any cast. there are snippets of good action strewn throughout but as I said, few, far-between and short-lived. Overall, I'd probably need to be doing something else through this one if I was alone, strictly "on in the background while you do other things" or "night in with friends in a particular mood" viewing.

#8: Episode I: The Phantom Menace (1999)

This is the movie that I have seen the most times in theatres, I won't tell you how many times, but I will say it's going to be a tough record to beat. The Phantom Menace came out when I was eight years old, it wasn't my first exposure to Star Wars, that was a special screening of A New Hope when I was about four or five. But the point of my telling you that was to contextualize that I have a certain nostalgic fondness for this film. That said, I do feel like this is where it belongs (most of the order here probably won't surprise you to be fair.) while it hasn't aged well, the visual effects were great for the time, the score boasts some of John Williams' best work (which is really saying something) and has some genuinely thrilling setpieces. Personally, I love the pod race, and, while admittedly a bit dramatically uninvolving, the three-way lightsaber duel at the end is certainly a spectacle to behold. This said, every popular criticism is valid. I don't hate Jar Jar Binks, like, at all, but he is occasionally mildly irritating. That's it though, at the worst of times, mildly irritating, I'll even go as far as to say I found his battle-slapstick funny, he's fine, so just chill out about him already! The story is also all over the place, there are three climactic battles at once as opposed to one, this is a minor problem, but there are more serious ones. This movie does not have a protagonist, or it has so many as to render the distinction pointless and the direction of the story irrelevant. You could level either criticism at the writing and they would make equal sense. 

I don't want to harp on this one, everything I could say has been said many times by many people, but overall, I still enjoy this one when I'm in the mood for it, but I have to admit it's not a good film.

#7: Episode III: Revenge of the Sith (2005)

Is anyone surprised that the prequel trilogy is lumped together here? I don't expect so. I'm not going to waste time going through what most people will know already, many of the same complaints about the other two prequels are still present here, the overreliance on CGI that isn't really good enough to warrant it, the ham-fisted (yet innately quotable) dialogue, the mostly unbelievable character logic, all here. But for once, the good parts in the rest of the movie come together with this stuff to make something that I would not call a bad film, it's not a great one by any means, it's definitely flawed, but by no means bad. John Williams' score remains great as ever, Ewan McGregor is still a great Obi-Wan and the admittedly still overly-choreographed lightsaber fights do manage to be a lot more dramatically involving this time around. Ian McDiarmid steals every single scene, this one is worth watching for him alone, I'd watch a special edition where he plays everyone quite frankly. I feel like the prequel trilogy, in general, is not as bad as people say it is, but this one, in particular, deserves another watch if you've been avoiding them, you might find you like it more than you remember.

#6: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)

I feel like I should say that, if these were all taken as standalone features, Rogue One would probably make it a lot higher on the list, it's easily a significantly improved display of filmmaking to everything thus far, but that's the thing, it's not a standalone film, it's a Star Wars film, and its place in the franchise just can't place it any higher for me, as much as I like it. Released as part of Disney's initiative to rake in those Star Wars ticket sales every year without missing a Christmas expand the Star Wars universe while the proper numbered installments were still in development, Rogue One tells the story of how the Rebel Alliance came by the Death Star plans immediately before the events of the original film. Mechanically, I struggle to think of many wrongs with this one if I'm being honest, it's clearly a different animal from the rest of the franchise, in fact, if anything this would be just about the best Star Wars Battlefront adaptation you could hope to make. Not that I imagine that was the intention, but therein lies the problem. 

The part of the established story occupied by Rogue One is so small as to be almost inconsequential, it's a big-budget expanded universe entry, and I like that, I see no reason not to do that if you have Disney money behind you. But answering a question most didn't ask, with characters that won't be around afterward is as good a statement of intent as any to indicate that this film is, by design, disposable. 

Again, it's not that there's anything wrong with that, the cast of characters, arch and broad though they may be, is a ton of fun, K-2SO is the driving force for the humor, imagine if you will, a sassy C-3PO who isn't afraid to blast a fool. This attitude is prevalent throughout the entire cast, which seem to exist to show the not-so-squeaky-clean side of the Rebel Alliance. The notable exception to this rule is Donnie Yen's Chirrut Imwe, a moral contrast and interesting look at what Force practitioners outside of the Jedi order might look like. 

Mads Mikkelson is also great as Jyn Erso's under-protest scientist dad Galen, and he's covered up that not-really-a-plot hole from the first Death Star, another question that didn't need answering, but I'm not sad it has been. That's really the whole thing with Rogue One. It's not essential viewing, it's strictly for-the-fans who want to delve a bit deeper into the lore. It's only because of this inconsequential place in the canon that it's not higher on the list, it's a really good way to kill a few hours, even if you haven't seen Star Wars before, but most who haven't probably won't bother, unfortunately.

I do have to reiterate, Rogue One is a fantastic movie, and I really struggled with where to put it. 

#5: Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)

It was always going to be hard deciding where to put this one, I fall safely into the camp of people that liked the movie, I like The Force Awakens. This movie may not be the best in the franchise, but it was never trying to be. the whole marketing campaign around this film was about comebacks, the original cast making a comeback for one last big spotlight in this universe. Practical effects were making a comeback, in essence. Star Wars as the fans knew and loved, was making a comeback.

Whatever you think of JJ Abrams he is an exceptional mimic of the Star Wars style, whatever else you might say about him, he gets why Star Wars was special. and brings a similar feeling in this, a two-hour love letter to the original trilogy.

Yes, that's what this is, I wouldn't call it a "remake disguised as a sequel" as I have heard some describe it, but it is unquestionably a tribute to the original trilogy, there are deliberate aesthetic choices that are clearly made for the express purpose of invoking nostalgia, the catwalk scene on the Death Star Starkiller Base, Tatooine Jakku's general existence as a desert planet on which the hero scrapes a meager living with which they are not happy, but cannot leave for reasons that concern their family, but do so when the choice is removed from their hands, among many other things.
Look I'm not going to list every callback to the original trilogy (mainly A New Hope) invoked by this film, you get the picture, it's a nostalgia trip, but is that such a bad thing?

It had been ten years since the last Star Wars film and the last one was attached to the much-maligned prequels, (whether you happen to like them or not, a lot of people didn't) I would argue that a lot of people could've done with a refresher course on what was so great about Star Wars, to begin with. Sure it's a $200m fan-film, but it knows exactly what it is and is a damn good version of it. I would argue that that's all it needed to be.

I haven't even talked about the film beyond comparison yet, so let's do that. The new main characters introduced are instantly likable and for a while, Finn and Rey seem to be jostling for the position of protagonist. Eventually of course it falls to Rey...oh fucking hell I can't avoid it so I might as well open it up now, it's as good a time as any I suppose.

REY, IS NOT, AND DOES NOT EVEN APPROACH BEING, A MARY SUE, ESPECIALLY IN THE CONTEXT OF STAR WARS 

To call Rey a Mary Sue, when talking about Star Wars betrays only that you don't understand either thing. Or that you're not paying much attention at all, one or the other. All of Rey's skills are easily explained by what we know of her background and upbringing and the fact that she has thus far survived them. She's a junker, she needs to strip derelict ships down to feed herself and survive, of course, she'd know how spaceships work! Also, she grew up alone on a desert planet near a settlement populated by scavengers, if she hadn't learned to defend herself, she'd be dead. Thirdly, all of this falls into utter insignificance next to the fact that she's massively force sensitive, a common trait of which is being a fast learner, and also being very intuitive and occasionally just damn lucky. She herself doesn't know what's going on half of the time. Is that a get-out-of-a-tricky-situation free card? Yeah, absolutely, does it make someone a Mary Sue? No, no it doesn't, not at all, not even close. Also she only beat Kylo Ren because he was A) clearly emotionally compromised, and B) just coming off getting gut-shot by a REALLY FUCKING POWERFUL WEAPON in Chewie's crossbow, (y'know, the thing that several times, blows away a few stormtroopers at once?) He tanked that fucker and walked it off, if he'd been 100%, she'd have no chance. (this was demonstrated earlier in the film when he was 100% and effortlessly paralyzed and captured her in seconds)

Oh by the way...Finn was a janitor..don't see anyone complaining that he can use a lightsaber, even with his basic Stormtrooper training that's less believable than Rey, who habitually uses a melee weapon, being able to use one.

Okay, sorry, now that that's out of the way, the returning original trilogy cast members are all great, you know what to expect from them by now. Finn is a great secondary protagonist and occasional comic relief, we don't get to see Poe much but enough to make him interesting, and Kylo Ren is...an interesting one, I wasn't really on board with him at first, but he eventually grew on me, the whole story of The Force Awakens is pretty meta. Being about a younger generation inheriting the galaxy and its struggles in the same way the cast of younger actors have to inherit the mantle of carrying the franchise. This film does little more in the grand scheme of things than set them up to attempt that, but, again, that's all that was needed.

The score is excellent as usual as is the scenery, if I tend not to mention those it's just because Star Wars has always been so consistent for me in that regard. JJ Abrams gets some criticism for playing it safe, but it's done with such a permeating affection for the franchise that I can't mark him down for it. Also, *spoler alert* the choice to kill off Han Solo couldn't have been an easy one to make, even if it was kind of an obvious one in hindsight and during the scene itself pretty much everyone saw it coming a mile away. (It still wasn't easy to watch.) The worst thing I can say is that the tendancy to ape the original trilogy keeps this film from reaching the same heights as those ones did.

#4: Episode IV: A New Hope (1977)

I expect you're surprised that this is the first original trilogy entry on the list, I'm not doing a full run-down, you've seen this one or you wouldn't be reading this. Obviously this is a great film, it's the one that started this whole universe, gave birth to the single biggest franchise on the planet and changed the rules of science fiction, serialized films and visual effects, basically forever. It will never get enough praise for that. 

But this isn't an objective appraisal of cultural impact (if it were, this would be number one without question) this is just my personal order of preference, and while I do love this film, there are a few things holding it back for me. Firstly, I don't like Luke for much of this one, he's annoying and whiny and doesn't seem to care a bit when his family are murdered in cold blood. Even as a kid that didn't feel right to me. My problems are mostly with him to be fair, but he is the protagonist, it is kind of important that he be likable, or if he's not, make that part of the story. 

Those concerns of mine are pretty minor though, this is still a great watch even if some parts of it haven't aged well, Alec Guinness's performance as the original Obi-Wan Kenobi cannot possibly be overstated. Harrison Ford was such a perfect fit for Han Solo I don't even care about Luke and how hard I find it to like him. Not to take away from Mark Hamill, he's...fine, but I get the sense he's kinda green at this point or at the very least hasn't grown into the role. Carrie Fisher sells the character of a not-so-secretly badass princess brilliantly, and Darth Vader was the first villain in a film to actually terrify me (well it was either him or the child-catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, I was 5...I think but I'm pretty sure I saw this first.) I remember being taken to see this in a special screening at my local cinema, and after it had finished, my then-stepdad mentioned we had the video, so I went home and watched it again. 

So yeah don't let it's placement in comparison to the other two of the trilogy fool you there's about a hair's bredth between them, but for me, this is where it goes.

#3: Episode VI: Return of the Jedi (1983)

"WHAT!?" I hear you say. "putting Jedi ahead of A New Hope!? the very idea!" What can I say? I get very slightly more enjoyment out of this one. I'll acknowledge that, of course, I wouldn't get nearly as much out of it without the other two backing it up, but because the other two are, and never won't be, I'm putting it here. Everything good about the others is still here, and Luke actually became likable in the last one so he's not dragging it down for me anymore, the Ewoks don't bother me, at all. but then I first saw this on video soon after A New Hope. So I was 5, certainly no older than 6, so maybe I'm just blinded by nostalgia. All I can tell you is that I liked, in particular the Sarlacc-pit fight scene so much that I think I broke that part of the tape by rewinding it too much. (even if the movie was finished, I never stopped the tape before rewinding, I don't think that was good for it.) 

Even rewatching this as an adult, I find myself oddly preferring it to the original, even while being able to acknowledge it's not as good conventionally, I guess nostalgia is a powerful thing, but to put it all on that does this film a disservice. It's great in its own right, not even in spite of the Ewoks (though certainly not because of them either) they're fine, and C-3PO being mistaken for a god was a really fun direction to take that in. 

Luke's character arc has to be the star of the show this time, and his final confrontation with Vader and the Emperor easily trumps any highlights from anything lower on this list. I gave him crap for being unlikable in A New Hope but throughout Empire and a good stretch of this, he becomes so much more sympathetic. He took some warming up to but he did get there. There are also so many highlights in this one that are impossible to ignore, Vader's redemption, the Emperor, just...in general, again, I would pay any amount of money to see a re-release of the Star Wars saga where Ian McDiarmid plays every character as the Emperor, regardless of the age or gender of the character he's supposed to be, he's that compelling to watch. (I also just think that would be really funny) 

Return of the Jedi is often cited as a let-down, but it's a great time to be had it is my firm belief that this assumption is only because it had its immediate predecessor to follow, speaking of... 

#2: Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back (1980)

Okay, I know you were all expecting this to be number one, hell I was too, even after I started writing it, the switching of places is a last-minute decision upon seeing both films again that I may regret immediately after posting this...actually I won't that's just something I thought of saying to mollify people who wouldn't like it, but even so, this was not an easy decision to make. 

The thing about Empire is that to fully appreciate it, you have to appreciate the time in which it happened. I wasn't born yet, and wouldn't be for another decade or so, but I've heard enough accounts of people that were to at least have some idea of the impact left by this film. 

Sure the twist of Vader being Luke's father seems like the most cliché thing in the world today, but at the time it was a genuinely shocking revelation (to this day I'm seeing reaction videos of people who still, somehow, haven't seen the film and Somehow have never learned the twist through cultural osmosis. For some reason I never get tired of seeing the reveal) 

Of course, that twist wouldn't have meant all that much if it hadn't come at the end of an already-stellar film that takes the characters we met in the last one and gives them a ton of great development. All while introducing a couple of new ones including everyone's favourite muppet, Yoda. (voiced by Miss Piggy...try not hearing that now) There's more character work here than in your average season of a TV series these days, and it doesn't feel overstuffed. the scenery, as ever is brilliant as is the score, it's John Williams what do you expect? The Empire Strikes Back features every facet of Star Wars at it's most potent. Darth Vader at his scariest, Han Solo at his wittiest, Yoda at his most whimsical, the Empire at it's most intimidating (Approaching AT-ATs anyone?) and all of this with a tight script some bold twists and a hitherto-unheard-of down-note to end on, for the longest time this movie was untouchable, which bring me to...

#1: Caravan of Courage: An Ewok Adventure (1984)

Nah I'm just kidding, can you imagine? 

Actual #1: Episode VIII: The Last Jedi (2017)

In all seriousness, I'm as suspicious of my own opinion as anyone else here, but I know what my opinion is, and it's telling me that The Last Jedi is the best Star Wars film to date. I'm not gonna bother reviewing it, as I already did that last time I updated this blog, but I am gonna go into why I think it belongs at the top, one more warning, INCOMING MASSIVE FUCKING SPOILERS! DO NOT READ BEYOND THIS POINT UNLESS YOU'VE SEEN IT!



I absolutely love the way this film treats the story so far, in particular the plot threads set forth by The Force Awakens, to put it bluntly, much like Luke does with his old lightsaber, it takes one look at them and chuck's 'em right off a cliff! In any other situation, I would probably not like that, but in this particular instance, it's done so well, and I like the result so much, that I cannot help but see this as the best one, see, much like Empire did way back when, this movie gave us a couple of plot twists that we really should've seen coming, but in doing so turned the entire universe on its head in a lot of ways.

But Last Jedi did all that, 37 years AFTER Empire had already done it, and in the internet age where such a thing should've been impossible! I can't really elaborate without going into detail, so let's.

The two big questions being asked by the fandom at large, were "Who are Rey's parents?" and "Who is Supreme Leader Snoke? The answer to both ends up being the same, no Snoke isn't Rey's father. The answer to both is ultimately, "it doesn't matter" Snoke, it turned out, was a red-herring. He shows up for a couple of scenes and then gets unceremoniously killed off for Kylo Ren to assume his mantle of Supreme Leader. As for Rey's parents, yeah they're no one important, a couple of junkers who sold her for beer money. they've been dead for ages, they don't matter.

This film is a statement of intent to take Star Wars in a new direction, the main theme of the movie seems to be one of moving on, another quite meta plotline for the franchise, indeed, if Star Wars is to keep going for the long-haul (and it will) it's going to have to move on and let go of certain things, as Kylo Ren himself says "it's time to let old things die" and to this end The Last Jedi takes some very rewarding chances. The movie itself is an entertaining ride from start to finish but more than that it's a masterclass in character writing, I had a feeling about this from The Force Awakens but Rey is now unquestionably my favourite Star Wars protagonist. Mark Hamill gives the best performance he's ever given as an old and jaded Luke Skywalker, who refuses to couch the idea that the Jedi should continue to exist, until Yoda turns up as a puppet force-ghost and tells him to get over himself and his old way of doing things. Assuring Luke that the Jedi religion couldn't have given Rey anything she didn't have already. Eventually Luke shows up for one of the best climaxes in the franchise before passing on and becoming one with the force, Luke Skywalker is dead.


Carrie Fisher gets a huge part this time around and I'm glad she does as this is the last time we'll ever get to see her as Leia, and I loved the way she used the force to keep herself alive in the vacuum of space and pull herself back aboard her ship, I'm glad we got to see her use the force once. But unlike its predecessor, this movie very much belongs to the younger cast several named characters, like Admiral Ackbar are just killed off-screen

Adam Driver comes into his own as Kylo Ren and soon does away with (and destroys) his totally-not-Darth-Vader mask, making as clear a statement as any that he's done invoking nostalgia and ready to be his own villain now, the same can be said of the rest of the cast too.

Rey's surprise origins as no one special made the Star Wars universe feel so much bigger to me, for the first time in this franchise, not everything has to be connected, not everyone has to be special by birthright, there are no big dumb prophecies and you don't have to be a fucking Skywalker to be strong in the force.

I could gush about this all day, but Star Wars: The Last Jedi sets up for the franchise to continue in the long-run, by bravely moving on from some of the old things that while beloved, were definitely something of an anchor. The Force Awakens may have been comfortable, familiar and a great throwback. but The Last Jedi made Star Wars feel new, unpredictable and exciting again, it is a legitimately great work of cinema that just happens to also be Star Wars. It made me feel like a little kid again with anticipation, and I couldn't love it enough for that. The Last Jedi is the best Star Wars movie, come, the fuck at me!


Also, that lightspeed kamikaze, holy shit!

So, TL:DR, here's the order

10: Star Wars: The Clone Wars

9.  Episode II: Attack of the Clones

8. Episode I: The Phantom Menace

7 Episode III: Revenge of the Sith

6. Rogue One: A Star Wars Story

5. Episode VII: The Force Awakens

4.Episode IV: A New Hope  

3. Episode VI: Return of the Jedi

2. Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back

1. Episode VIII: The Last Jedi

I don't expect a lot of people to agree with everything, but hopefully you'll have got something out of this. I don't know if I'll post again for a while, this was an undertaking, Happy Life Day 

Review: Star Wars: Episode VIII: The Last Jedi (spoiler-free)

Okay, so. Spoiler-free review let's talk Star Wars.

From the moment Lucasfilm was signed over to Disney in 2012, there were a lot of emotions running high throughout the Star Wars fandom, as the house of Mouse had greenlit the long-hoped-for Episode VII without as much as waiting for the ink to dry on the page. three years later, J.J. Abrams brought us Star Wars: Episode VII The Force Awakens and yeah, it was pretty good, not the best a new Star Wars could've been, more a "greatest hits" fan-film for the original trilogy, but since the prequel trilogy that preceded this was, shall we say, polarizing at best. I think The Force Awakens was everything it really needed to be, and did its job of establishing the new main characters and the starting points for their respective arcs with a familiar-feeling adventure. (possible full-review MAYBE coming in the form of a ranking list I may or may not write, I promise nothing.) 

So, Awakens is done, the stage is set for these new characters to shine on their own. and director Rian Johnson is tasked with taking this new trilogy and it's characters to new places, and making a Star Wars film that has to do more than just pay lip service to those that came before it, while continuing the plot-threads put forward by Abrams.

To be blunt, he has hit it right out of the fucking park!

I am aware that many will disagree with me on this, and I understand why, but I absolutely love The Last Jedi for many of the same reasons I expect some will hate it, it is unquestionably a Star Wars film while at the same time being a very different animal when compared to everything that has come before it. the treatment of the mysteries put forth in the last one made the universe feel so much bigger to me, and while The Force Awakens played it mostly safe, The Last Jedi does everything but. 

the cast all bring their A-game, Mark Hamill is great every time he's on-screen as is the late Carrie Fisher, who gets a much bigger part than I was expecting. Daisy Ridley, John Boyega and Oscar Issac are fast cementing themselves as the new "big three" of the Star Wars universe and Adam Driver, who I wasn't sure about last time, really comes into his own, I am fully on-board with Kylo Ren as a character now.

The story is what I will expect will divide most people, as mentioned, in stark contrast to The Force Awakens and its somewhat fan-filmy, safe attitude, there are risks aplenty taken here. but for now suffice it to say, that the part you hated? Yeah I fucking loved that bit (probably.) 

The soundtrack is still great and familiar, although it felt a little underused in places. and the sheer amount of story packed into this film was easily enough for at least one of those two-part finales that studios seem so keen on doing these days, the criticisms I do have are that because of this, some characters are a little underutilized and feel like they get lost in the shuffle. But it all culminates in one of the best climaxes in the franchise and an epilogue that leaves me very excited for Episode IX and also for Rian Johnson's upcoming trilogy.

Speaking of...is it too late to get Rian Johnson to direct Episode IX? No disrespect to JJ Abrams but I just don't see him living up to this. 

actually y'know what? I will do a ranking list for Star Wars, after all, I was gonna talk spoilers after this review, but I'll do it there instead.

In Summary The Last Jedi is a familiar, yet refreshingly different take on the universe, I love it for the same reasons some of you will hate it, and I think you should definitely see this one without being spoiled if you can. 

Game Review: Middle-Earth: Shadow of War

I write this shortly after having lost a save file of the game in question to a power-cut that lasted less than a second, but regardless, corrupted and deleted my save file, however, it was at around 80% completion with the main story finished, so I think I've got all I need, in mourning as I am for the countless hours I lost which I now have nothing to show for, which is probably why I'm writing this review to be honest, anyway. 

Video games generally tend to get on with other types of media rather like a hornet's nest would typically get on with a sensitive body part. Most people know it's a bad idea, but some mad bastard's always willing to try anyway because many people are excited to see the attempt and will pay money for the experience, and so the cycle continues. (see, most movies based on video games...or don't) However, J.R.R Tolkien's universe has, in my opinion, been a consistent exception to that rule. I count The Two Towers on PS2 as one of my favourite games on the console. War in the North on the PS3, while not exactly counted among my favourites, was still a solid game, especially if you had a friend to play it on co-op with.

I was skeptical a few years ago when Middle-Earth: Shadow of Mordor was released, as it wasn't adapting any story, but going with an interquel ala Star Wars: The Force Unleashed. and yeah, the story was generic and uninteresting at best, with some interesting bits of lore strewn in, but the real meat of the game was in the Nemesis system. I could tell you stories of rivalries I had with specific Uruks, but I couldn't remember a lot of the actual story. but it was enough fun that I was really looking forward to the sequel.

So, how does the sequel compare?

Shadow of War strikes me as a game somewhat at odds with itself. the various interlocking storylines are all presented with equal weight, but only one of them has a satisfying ending, (I assume you're supposed to take the rest as substories,) and even that ending feels tacked on, as does the entirety of Act IV immediately thereafter. Which seems to exist solely to gate off a "true ending" behind tedious repetitive gameplay to make the microtransactions for premium currency with which to buy shortcuts more appealing.

Well since I've mentioned them now, let's get this out of the way. Yes, it is possible to achieve 100% completion without spending a penny on premium currency, I got to about 80% before my save file was lost. it's not even that unrealistic a goal depending on how tolerant of grinding and repetitive quests you are. That, however, is the thing, it is a bloody hell of a grind if you want the "true ending" which I'm told is basically just a cutscene anyway so there's no pressure on you to do it unless you really want that platinum trophy.  As I said the entire Shadow wars act feels tacked on and unnecessary, you could take the boss fight in Mordor before then as the ending to the game and it would make exactly as much sense. But this game costs a lot of money up-front, and to not play all of it seems like a huge waste. 

As it happens, personally, I don't mind a game being grind-heavy now and then, it gives my hands and eyes something to do while I'm listening to podcasts and stuff. Although if I need other outside stimuli to keep from getting bored, then that means it gets boring. the game definitely feels lesser because of the fourth act, which, is essentially tedious filler, at the end of which is a cutscene which is already on Youtube anyway.

Before that point, it's not terribly grind-heavy, with that said I was taking my time with it and doing the odd online vendetta quest when I felt like it, which are quite engaging until you've done them enough. So maybe I just levelled enough anyway. But if I can do that without getting bored, then the gameplay has got to be good right?

So let's talk gameplay, if you liked Shadow of Mordor then pretty much everything from that is back in this one, there are a few tweaks here and there though. For example, you now have to choose between ability upgrades. You can unlock them all, but for each ability, you can only have one upgrade active at a time. This means you will have to choose whether draining an enemy will restore Elf-Shot or dominate them, as it can no longer do both at once. I'm not particularly upset by this as you can switch at any time and I always felt end-game Talion was pretty Overpowered anyway, and this does feel a bit more balanced to me. 

The combat is the same as last time, the old faithful "Arkham with swords" combat that flows seemlessly between attacks and counters and mercifully doesn't lock you into an animation as other games might. (though sometimes the game does leave me questioning the extent to which your Wraith companion can interact with the physical world, it's pretty vague and inconsistent there.)

The map is huge this time around with four major maps to explore, each with their own orc army for you to contend with. 

the nemesis system is back in full-force, with a few differences from Shadow of Mordor, one that I noticed, in particular, is that there is no longer any way to guarantee the death of an enemy captain, or survival for that matter. in Mordor I eventually figured out that the way to make sure a captain didn't come back would be to take off their head, otherwise they'd be back, regardless of the method of execution or the impossibility of their survival, whether you burned them to a crisp, impaled them through the skull or shot them through the eye-socket, if he has a head, he ain't dead.

This time around though, even decapitation is no guarantee, I distinctly recall an Olog captain tracking me down and explicitly reminding me that when last we met I took his head off. saying something vague about Talion's "grave-walker magic" rubbing off on him and being immortal or something, an interesting concept, which was never brought up again because he stayed dead the second time. I also saw returns from an orc I had cut clean in half, simply stating that his "boys" had put him back together. I then proceeded to cut an arm and a leg off this same captain, impale him through the back, and then I stood there watching him lie motionless for a minute or two just for good measure, and he still came back later!

Conversely, the first captain to come back for more, Flogg the Tyrant of Cirith Ungol who later became Flogg Lockjaw because his face was disfigured in one of our many fights, died from me scratching him on the chest with my sword, and then just never came back, I was expecting him to, I wandered around Cirith Ungol waiting for an ambush that never came.

From that, you can take it that I enjoy the nemesis system quite a bit, more so in fact that the main story, but I should talk a bit more about that. The game seems simultaneously obsessed with, and dismissive of the lore of Middle-Earth. there are countless collectibles to build on the world scattered throughout the game. Well, not countless, around 200 if that maybe? in the form of Gondorian artifacts, giving you little bits of exposition on Gondorian society, Elvish words to open doors for a set of legendary gear, and Shelob memories. 

and that's where I come to the game being also dismissive of the lore when it feels like it, first of all, there are two "one" rings now. But we all knew that was coming when it was mentioned at the end of the last one. and also Shelob, who, as you've probably heard, can turn into a woman in this game. Apparently female characters in video games simply are not allowed to be ugly even if one is a giant fucking spider! 

In case you were wondering, no, unless I am very much mistaken, nowhere in Tolkien's work is it suggested that Shelob was capable of shape-shifting, as far as I understand, before manifesting in Middle-Earth she chose the form of a spider and was stuck with it. but whatever, she's fine. Having played the game I can say, she's utilised more as a plot device than a central character. She gives the player a grand total of four missions I think, and apart from a cutscene or two and the collectible memories you don't really hear from her again after that. 

Graphically the game is pretty much on the same level of Shadow of Mordor, or at least I didn't notice much of an upgrade, the best of the visuals comes from the scenery, which is great. I don't wish to spoil but you get to explore Minas Morgul (that city where the evil beam shot into the sky in Return of the King) as well as Cirith Ungol (Shelob-town) and a few more locations I don't remember seeing in the films. Minas Tirith and Osgiliath are also on the map but I don't think you can go there, at least I never managed it, I presume they're saving that for the DLC. 

All-in-all Middle-Earth: Shadow of War is a really fun game, I put a lot of hours into it and never got bored, even if the grinding for resources necessitated by the presence of loot boxes put a damper on it. That the game managed to be so good in spite of that though makes me wonder what could have been without it. I don't normally give numerical scores to things because my opinion is normally a little less decisive than that but this is a definite 8/10 the two points lost are for flimsy story-structure and unnecessary grinding filler. I'd still fully recommend the game, I'll probably be playing it again to try and get that progress back.

8/10: 

a great time, you should play it. 

Review: The Sound of Living by Mike Moody

Before I begin I feel like I should put a few disclaimers up front, This is not my area of expertise, I am not by any stretch of the imagination an expert on music, this review is largely being done as a favour to a friend, which leads me to the second disclaimer.

I know and am an old friend of the artist who created this work, Mike Moody and I were at school together and I have her to thank for a fair amount of the musical knowledge I do possess, just to make you all aware of any potential biases I may have, but I'll try to keep this as fair as possible.

Thirdly and finally, something of a trigger warning, the subject of the following review is an album that deals with themes such as gender identity and disability, two subjects the discussion of which certain denizens of the internet are known to suffer acute phobias of. Please exercise caution if you plan to read this, and I hope the lack of a tone of voice doesn't preclude the perception of my sarcasm.

With that in mind let's get on to the music, The Sound of Living is something I hesitate to tie to a genre, the tone varies throughout shifting to give the impression of something experimental before going palpably melancholic (which never lasts more than about 20 seconds at a time) and switching to something much more upbeat. It is evident that every care has been taken in the track placement so that the mood never stays the same for too long. 

Lyrically this album is unabashedly sincere, and maybe just a little cheesy, but in a way that I like personally, dealing with themes relevant to the artist herself, such as disability and gender identity as mentioned above, in particular, track 4, It's Not Cross-dressing the message of which being that how someone chooses to dress and whether it is appropriate or to be considered cross-dressing is entirely up to them. 

If I had to tie a theme to this album I would say that the overall message seems to be one of acceptance, being comfortable in your own skin and loving yourself. Even the less-upbeat parts carry a distinct undertone of compassion.

The clear musical influences are distinctly new wave, in particular, I hear a lot of influence from The Damned in the overall style here, including the somewhat ecclectic tone which seems to follow, if not a narrative then at the very least a structure, as I said before, each track and it's accompanying mood was clearly placed carefully in relation to those around it.

I would normally offer some criticism in reviews but as I say I don't know much about the process of music-making and so nothing comes to mind, and even if it did I wouldn't feel like I should be talking. 

The bottom line here is if you like New Wave and eclectic music such as that of The Damned in particular, give this one a look, here's a link: https://mikemoody1.bandcamp.com/album/the-sound-of-living

Ranking the X-Men movies

So I figured the time was right for another go at being an amateur film critic, the around three of my friends who read this seemed to like when I gave the Marvel Cinematic Universe this same treatment, and with the release of Logan there are now ten films in the X-Men series, a nice round number. It's going to be difficult for me to put these movies in any particular order, this isn't like the MCU where I basically liked all of them, the X-Men movies, in my opinion, have a couple of really good ones, a couple of really bad ones, and those between just stay in the middle to me in that haze of "basically okay in a fun but disposable way" but I'm gonna try anyway. Same deal as before I'll list each film in ascending order of preference and give reasons as to why each film falls where it does.

#10: X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009)

It shouldn't come as much of a surprise that this one is at the bottom of the list, better critics than me have been tearing this a new one since it came out, but my personal reasons for where this falls on the list are slightly different to what I imagine are the reasons of a lot of other people who didn't like this film, put simply, it's completely forgettable, I've seen this movie many times before for one reason or another, but even now I couldn't really tell you much that happened in it (in fact several repeat viewings happened because I couldn't remember whether I liked it or not.) which is not to say there is nothing of the film I remember, or even that everything I do remember is bad, Hugh Jackman is consistently great as Wolverine throughout the whole series and this one is no exception, but aside from a few spots of admittedly impressive cinematography there's not much else to recommend this one for. Also, just to bring up the red-and-black elephant in the room, at the time I first saw this I wasn't familiar with the Deadpool character, so the awful portrayal and how badly it missed the point of things didn't register for me then, and honestly still doesn't, the movie isn't memorable enough for me to be annoyed by that and we got Deadpool proper eventually anyway. 

#9: X-Men: Days of Future Past (2014)

No, that is not a typo, Yes, this is where I think this one belongs.why? I'll answer your question with some more questions.

Why did no foreshadowing of this future happen in any of the other movies?

How did Xavier convince Magneto to cooperate with him? 

Why is Xavier alive after having been blown up in The Last Stand? (I'm aware he was shown to be alive in a post-credits sequence but a) that shouldn't count as part of the movie, and b) it still doesn't explain how)

When was this post-apocalyptic future meant to be happening?

Why does Kitty Pride, the one who can walk through walls, suddenly have the power to send people's consciousness back through time? She never had that power before in the movies or the comics, and it's not even tangentially related to the power she does have. How did she get it?

How does Mystique's DNA and her power of shapeshifting within it (which is completely cosmetic) enable the sentinels to adapt to mutant powers? it's shapeshifting, it just makes you look different it doesn't make you any stronger or change what you're made of.

Why is Bolivar Trask. previously played by Bill Duke, played by Peter Dinklage 30 years before the events of X-men 3? (look up pictures of the two if you haven't seen them) What the hell happened to him in the interim? 

Why, after the events of Last Stand has all the progress mutants have gained towards mainstream acceptance, literally the entire point of the first three movies, been completely disregarded for a story that came completely out of the blue with no build-up?

and just to get the nitpicking out of the way, why are Wolverine's left-hand claws still adamantium when they were established as having been cut off and regrown as bone in The Wolverine? 

those are all I can think of off the top of my head, but I'm pretty sure there are more

Now, I'm sure if you cornered Simon Kinberg and/or Bryan Singer on the street with these questions, they'd be more than happy to give you some answers, but for some reason, they didn't see fit to include them in the film...I grant you one or two of the above questions are nit-picks that don't really matter, but a lot of them are gaping plot holes that just go completely unaddressed, and that annoys me. This is to say nothing of the fact, that X-Men as a franchise started in 2000 with the premise that mutants must fight to protect the world that hates and fears them, and here they are in  2014, not only still stuck on that narrative which they really should've moved on from by now, but they've actively gone backwards.

I was once told in response to this that if you treat it as it's own standalone film, it makes more sense, but see, I'm not going to do that, I'm not going to treat it as a standalone film for the simple reason that it isn't one and clearly isn't supposed to be. It was Simon Kinberg's actual job to write this screenplay, he got paid for it, and I am not getting paid to use weak excuses to justify bad writing (I'm also not getting paid to point it out but this is more therapeutic.) Not only is this not a standalone, it's the worst potential part of any franchise, it's the One More Day, of X-Men movies, it only exists to reset the continuity so that the ones that everybody hates never happened, I don't dispute that this was something that needed doing, but that doesn't make it a good reason to make a movie. 

On the positive side, James McAvoy and Michael Fassbender remain brilliant choices for a young Charles Xavier and Magneto. they basically carry the lion's share of the film (though it is good to see Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen in those parts again) and Hugh Jackman could basically play Wolverine in his sleep at this point, which actually is not inaccurate for his part in the future. the Quicksilver slo-mo scene is still funny, even if that raises the question of why they don't keep this, actually very useful guy around for the climax of the story. the action is at least fun and imaginative as well, these things put this movie above Origins: Wolverine in my opinion, but they aren't enough to save it from a nonsensical plot that pays no attention to detail and seems to exist only to thinly disguise franchise management as filmmaking. How this managed to achieve a 91% rating on Rotten Tomatoes will forever be a mystery to me. 

#8: X-Men: The Last Stand (2006)

Yeah, that's right, I thought this was very slightly better than Days of Future Past (fucking fight me!) don't get me wrong, it's still shit, I mean, it's not all bad I like the natural progression of mutant acceptance that has clearly happened here, I also like that the closer mutants get to their goal the bigger the obstacles they're facing seem to be, it just seems right. But  there are narrative problems that just can't be ignored, apparently mutants are now put into numbered "classes" to determine their threat level, e.g Magneto is apparently a "class three" mutant and Jean Grey is the only "class five" mutant ever to exist, this class system had never been brought up or mentioned before, and it has never been mentioned since, yet nobody ever questions it, like it's been around forever and the film expects it to mean something to the audience. It was kind of like when season 4 of Heroes just started referring to people with abilities as "specials" completely out of the blue and everyone just pretended this had always been the case. No, that's incredibly lazy writing, stop it! That's just one problem. For various reasons this film completely butchers the Dark Phoenix storyline by not really having much of a storyline, there was no build-up whatsoever, there was no foreshadowing in previous movies save a single post-credits scene after X2, and in an effort to retcon the Phoenix force into existence they gave the laziest, most boring excuse anyone has ever thought of. Charles Xavier discovered her as a child and she was basically Carrie-level dangerous so he altered her personality with his power. Which, by the way, is something the Charles Xavier of the previous films, it had been painstakingly established, would absolutely never, ever have done under any circumstances. When Wolverine expresses disgust at this Xavier says "I don't have to explain myself to you." That wasn't Xavier talking to Wolverine, that was Brett fucking Ratner talking to the audience, an example of director-mouthpiecing only slightly less condescending than Cyclops' "yellow spandex" remark at the end of the first one. The choices for mutants are also odd, Nightcrawler, a very popular mutant with a big part in X2 wasn't in this film, (unless he was and I just don't remember) but Phat somehow warrants an appearance?

Not the only example but I don't want to ramble on about this one too much, For the sake of being clear I should mention something. The fact is a lot of what went wrong with this one is clearly tied to the troubled production.

Bryan Singer left the franchise, taking the writers with him leaving only a partial story treatment because he apparently didn't have a full idea of what he wanted to do. Also to make Superman Returns which he apparently did have a more complete idea for. Okay, that's fair enough, and to be fair, Brett Ratner was not the first choice of replacement. Matthiew Vaughn (who would later go on to direct First Class) was forced to pull out and several other directors (including Zack Snyder, if you can imagine a possibly even worse version) were busy at the time, and Brett Ratner apparently knew little about the X-Men mythos at the time, and so trusted the screenwriters to come up with something good.

However, none of this is an excuse, if a movie cannot be made good in the time frame it should be delayed or canceled altogether, as Shigeru Miyamoto (I think) once said of games "delayed is eventually good, rushed is bad forever" I think the same principal applies here. But movies are still a business and business is about money so...rush out the movie I suppose.

#7: X-Men: Apocalypse (2016)

I struggled with where to put this one to be honest, on the one hand, I don't dislike it overall, I think it's fine, basically alright with a few standout moments, which pretty much sums up the entire X-Men franchise for me. On the other hand there really isn't that much remarkable about it, to the point I really don't have much to say, I remember enjoying some of the visuals, the Quicksilver slo-mo scene was a laugh, (even if it was a retread of a joke from a previous film) there's the odd forced time-period reference, and the villain looks like Ivan Ooze. One thing I do remember clearly about this one is Michael Fassbender, Magneto's character arc, or at least the conclusion to it is...less sensical than I would've liked, but it started out strong and stayed such for long enough to be memorable and Fassbender's performance was easily the highlight of the film. Not really sold on Sophie Turner as Jean Grey, James McAvoy is always good but wasn't given a huge amount to do here that didn't feel like checking off boxes. Also, what happened to any sense of continuity in this series? They don't seem to be following any kind of an overarching story anymore, the X-Men movies lately just kind of happen. With all that said it was entertaining enough that I like it more than the previous ones on this list but it still doesn't graduate from "basically inoffensive." Also, I don't know where Caliban is supposed to be from in this one. but it certainly wasn't Bristol.

#6: The Wolverine (2013)

I really don't know which way to go on The Wolverine, I mean, it's functional enough, there's an identifiable three-act structure, (sort of) the character's motivations are all clear and I don't know enough about the comics to get pissed off about any changes made to the continuity. Even so I find this one just a bit uninvolving, I like it quite a bit more than the last solo effort by Wolverine, but still, personally, I don't much care for the only notable protagonist being a grim growly man growling grimly. even if it is Hugh Jackman, (I do have to acknowledge then that I am probably not the target audience for the Wolverine character or anything solely about him) With that said I was entertained by this one, there was actually some drama as Wolverine doesn't heal like he usually does and so is actually in some real danger. the storyline...existed, it honestly seemed a bit like filler material but I can think of far worse ways to kill an hour or two, this one's basically alright. 

#5: X-Men (2000)

The original X-Men came about at a time before Superhero films were all that common, after Batman & Robin had all but destroyed any big business interest in the genre if the fandom is to be believed (it was still better than Batman v Superman) and before Sam Raimi's Spider-Man movies would really show people how it was done. I believe that this timing is for the most part what cements X-Men as a classic to so many, because looking at it, this basically competent Superhero flick doesn't really hold up to modern standards. That's okay though, I'm still perfectly happy to watch it on any given night in. Some things you have to judge by the standards of their time, and in its time this was basically the best you could reasonably hope for in an X-Men movie. Self-serious and ashamed of  its source material though it was ("These outfits look stupid" "What would you prefer, yellow spandex?") it treated these characters with a maturity that at the time you just didn't expect. Patrick Stewart threatened to run away with the whole movie as Charles Xavier, and Hugh Jackman as Wolverine was an immense discovery. Ian McKellen as Magneto also deserves to be a part of that conversation. 

The film would suffer from issues common to the X-Men as a formula, for example, there are a few too many characters for all of them to get a decent amount of development. the tone was pretty dark at times, but thankfully not oppressively so. The stuff that works works so well that this film is still watchable today, though I do have to admit it hasn't aged as well as I would like to say it has.

#4: X2: X-Men United (2003)

Released simply as X-Men 2 in the UK. I actually think I first saw this on a plane when I was 12. the picture was awful and the headphones barely worked, but I enjoyed it enough to want to see it again, I've seen it many times since, and I still like it. How much of that is nostalgia I'd find difficult to say, but I remember finding this one fascinating as a kid, not to mention haunting as all hell with the Xavier brainwashing sequence with Stryker's son. the characters all get a fair share of the screen-time, (except Cyclops, but who the hell cares? Cyclops is boring) which allows the viewer to empathise with Magneto and Mystique in a way not really present in the original. X2 gets major points in my eyes simply for being one of those rare sequels that actually improves on the original. The action is a significant step up, as are the visual effects, and the script is sharper this time around too. This film still belongs very much to its time, but I have no trouble believing it was films like this one that lead to the Superhero genre being what it is today. 

#3: Deadpool (2016)

What can I say? I enjoyed this one more than most of them, yeah I know the plot is pretty by-the-numbers and any other character than Deadpool would've flopped incredibly hard, but that's the genius of it. Deadpool as a character was designed for stuff like this, the fact that they got the character down so well is exactly why I'm putting it so high on this list. holding a mirror up to formulaic stories is the sort of thing Deadpool does best and Ryan Reynolds does a bang-up job bringing that to life. this movie knows precisely what you came for and delivers it in spades, this is arguably a more complete version of what it's trying to be than anything else on this list, and I hope they don't mess up the sequel now that they've finally decided to give it a budget. 

#2: X-men: First Class (2011)

This is my personal favourite of the series, and for quite a while I was sure I'd put this at number 1. but I'll get to why I didn't in the next entry, Again, this is the one I personally enjoy the most out of the entire series. that Matthiew Vaughn almost directed X-Men 3 before this must now be acknowledged as one of the greatest missed opportunities in the history of cinema. Our story begins as many often do, with a young boy threatening his mother with a baseball bat. This boy turns out to be Charles Xavier, who due to his telepathy can tell that the woman stood before him is not his mother. It turns out to be Mystique, he then immediately invites her to live with him so that she doesn't have to steal. (the story conveniently glosses over how he convinced his mother to allow this, but A, the scene implies that his mother doesn't care much for him, and B, he's Charles Xavier, if he needed to he could convince a one-eyed man to buy a 3D TV.) and so, now knowing there are more mutants like him out there, he rounds a few up including Magneto and forms the X-Men. that's enough plot as for some reason I've tried to keep this pretty much free of spoilers just in case someone somewhere hasn't seen these yet.

Anyway, this one features a very game James McAvoy and Michael Fassbender as well as Jennifer Lawrence before she got obviously bored of these movies and began phoning it in. the younger Charles and Eric are different from their modern-day counterparts, but you can identify their personalities all the same, Here's why I should probably mention Mystique and the fact that she seems to be completely different from the Rebecca Romijn incarnation of the character. First Class was originally intended to be a soft reboot, so this isn't really a problem. Or rather, it wouldn't have been,  if Fox had not later chosen to reverse that decision and go with the "branching timelines" structure (if you can call it a structure) which future films seemed to completely forget about (except for when the plot needed them not to, no need to be coherent or anything.) But for now, given the benefit of judgment by its time and intent, this version of Mystique has more of a character arc which is only a good thing.

Kevin Bacon...is Kevin Bacon he's always fun, you know what you're in for there likely as not, and I'm really glossing over it here but there is not a person in the cast who didn't manage to make me care about them (except maybe Emma Frost, the diamond woman, she wasn't given much to do, but you can't win them all)

The thing I love most about this film above everything else on this list is the unabashed sincerity of the whole thing. the vibrant colour-pallette and Henry Jackman's brilliant score set the stage for a wholehearted and genuine X-Men movie that wasn't afraid to crack a smile and for the first time in this franchise was completely unashamed of its source material. (It's almost as if you'll get a better film out of your source material if you don't display contempt and apologize for it) Matthiew Vaughn, this franchise has sorely missed your direction. Ah, crap now I've written that out I want to put this at number one again, but I suppose in the name of honest appraisal, I just can't do that.

#1: Logan (2017)

Yes, it's the obvious choice, I'm not the type to be contrary just for the sake of it, and some things are obvious because they're right. I said I enjoyed First Class the most, and I do, but taken strictly as a piece of cinema, and, I think it's fair to say, one of cultural significance at that, there was really no other candidate for the top spot. 

(CAUTION: I'M GOING TO TALK SPOILERS FOR THIS ONE, IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN IT, DON'T READ ON. TRUST ME IT'S WORTH SEEING UNSPOILED

Logan on paper is everything I profess to dislike about certain superhero films, in the not-too-distant future, everything is dark, depressing, and relentlessly grim. This film depressed me from start to finish, it is not a fun movie, certainly not "Saturday night with friends" material. Also, you'd be hard-pressed to even call this a superhero film, or even an X-Men movie if it weren't for the few mutants in it that survived the vaguely-established (but in the right way) borderline-extinction of mutant kind. for which Charles Xavier may or may not have been responsible. The movie does tell you what happened but doesn't hold your hand until you get it, or feel the need to frontload exposition, if you're paying attention you can piece it together. 

So, Logan himself is aging, his healing factor is waning and his youth with it, he makes his meager living as a limo driver in El Paso, Texas. The money from which he is saving to buy a boat so that he can take Xavier (who is suffering from a deteriorative brain disease that causes him to have kind of seizures which make him lose control of his telepathy in a way that could kill everyone around him) away onto the sea to live out his days where he's least likely to hurt anyone. It is not confirmed but implied, that these seizures were how the X-Men died. This bleak tone carries on through the film, but we do get some nice scenes with the characters and the oppressiveness of the rest of the film makes those scenes seem all the brighter and is all the more depressing for it when the story pulls the rug out from under you to remind you that niceness isn't a thing in this world anymore. there's also a constant theme of aging and mortality, with Logan (who was essentially ageless before) finally starting to succumb to the ravages of time, and Xavier, now 90 years old, slowly losing himself to his illness. (I'm sorry if this isn't a fun read, there's not a lot of humour in this film)

the action scenes are far between but there are plenty of them, the action itself is in keeping with the new R-rating for the film, much gorier and more visceral than before. Which, considering a lead character is a man who sprouts metal claws from his knuckles to fight with, you'd think would've been a no-brainer for the previous entries, but oh well. 

The cast all do a fantastic job, the story does a great job of leading us on with great character scenes like carrots on sticks, only to have us in a state of total despair by the end of them, but ultimately ends with a glimmer of hope (and probably the setup for a new franchise)

Hugh Jackman went into this knowing it would be his last outing as Wolverine and he played it to a tee, it couldn't have hurt that Wolverine was always an R-rated character, now in an R-rated movie, but Jackman has made the role his own over a period of 17 years and this was a worthy swansong. 

Patrick Stewart probably broke damn near everyone with this last outing as Charles Xavier, not just with his harrowing depiction of a deteriorating mind, but after everything he's done, all that he's worked for and everything he's been through, he dies thinking about a boat. A boat he only wants so that he can exist without hurting anyone. To top it off he's killed by who he believes to be Logan (it's actually a young, much angrier clone of him) after remembering what he'd done to the X-Men. The very symbol of utopian naivete and optimism for this universe killed by the man his friend might have been without him was a very poignant way to end things.

I went to see this originally, with three other people, and not one of us left the theater feeling okay. 

I stand by what I say in that this is the best film in the X-Men franchise, but I don't think I'd want to watch it again for a while, give me First Class any day, but Logan is one probably best reserved for very specific occasions, or if for some reason you enjoy feeling miserable. Still with that said it's a terrific film, and you should definitely see it at least once.

So, in case you just wanted the numbers and didn't care why we have...

#10: X-Men Origins: Wolverine

#9: X-Men: Days of Future Past

#8: X-Men: The Last Stand

#7: X-Men: Apocalypse

#6: The Wolverine

#5: X-Men

#4: X2: X-Men United

#3: Deadpool

#2: X-Men: First Class

#1: Logan

Movie Review: Wonder Woman

I swear I'll eventually review something that isn't a DC movie, see, the first review I did was Batman v. Superman, which I felt compelled to do because it made me angry, so basically, I mostly do reviews to vent when I'm pissed off at something. with the exception of The Killing Joke, which I thought was all right, but I still wanted to get some frustration out from that god-awful first act, so you'd probably be forgiven for thinking I'm an unpleasable twat who doesn't like anything. Not necessarily true, but I don't feel motivated to write about good stuff, (unless I'm ranking things in listicle form, like I did with the MCU that one time) but this here is an exception, because with the amount I've been ragging on the Warner Bros DC Comics movies, it feels like I'd be remissed if I didn't at least make it known what I thought of Wonder Woman.

I've wanted the DC Comics films to be good for what seems like forever now, Fairly or unfairly DC and Marvel movies are, and will continue to be seen by the general superhero film fandom as direct competitors to each other. To that end Marvel seems to manage a consistent level of quality, with the occasional spike, but not many serious lows to speak of (maybe one or two, depending on how you feel about the Iron Man sequels, 2 was kinda bad.)

Now, in terms of DC movies, I didn't hate Man of Steel, but it wasn't particularly good, and the two follow-ups were a crime against filmmaking, and an incomprehensible mess respectively. (Let's be fair, Suicide Squad never stood a chance with all the studio interference. Even so it managed to not be boring at the very least.)

It looks a lot like I'm taking sides and fanboying here, but I'm not, fun to watch though the occasional one-sided beat-down is, a prolonged one is just depressing, especially since DC have a lot of properties I really like the idea of.

So, while I was waiting on the review scores for Wonder Woman (it's fine if you don't care about those, and I don't always agree with them myself but I mostly tend to find that if the majority of critics say something is shit, it normally is.) I was understandably waiting with baited breath as it were, and then it emerges in the high 90s, to eventually settle on 93% approval by critics and fans alike at time of writing on Rotten Tomatoes.

Yep, I was very happy to hear that Wonder Woman had apparently broken the combo of god-awful comic book movies from Warner Brothers and might be the turning point for their entire franchise (I devoutly hope this proves to be the case.)
But enough about my caring far too much about the quality of a product that was bound to do well regardless of how good or bad it was, on with the actual review.

So, short, and spoiler-free version, yeah, it's good. Not just good for a DCEU movie, but a genuinely good film in its own right that easily stands with the upper eschelon of the Superhero genre, it's not Avengers, or Logan good, but it's solidly Captain America: The First Avenger or X-Men: First Class good. (if you need more clarification there, First Avenger is in the top 5 of my MCU ranking post, and, I haven't written it yet, but First Class is currently planned to be in the top 3 of my upcoming X-Men ranking post.)

Now for the more in-depth review, there will probably be spoilers at some point after this, so if you haven't seen it yet, close this page and see it, it's worth doing. If you've seen it already, or don't care about spoilers, by all means read on.

Okay so to start off, the film makes excellent use of a cast of great actors (and Chris Pine) I wasn't sure about Gal Gadot for the part of Wonder Woman when I first heard about it, but she is a legitimate discovery and possibly the best casting choice of the DCEU so far. (I'll need to see Batfleck in a better film before I can make an unbiased appraisal of that) the direction of Patty Jenkins deserves its fair share of the credit for that, Any director who can, among many other things, get a memorable performance from Chris Pine and work this well with child actors, is something special.

The child actors to which I refer are the two who played the little girl version of Diana/Wonder Woman herself, now, anyone who knows me knows I'm not a big fan of kids (smug little bastards is what they are) so it's especially noteworthy that this one managed to put an honest-to-God smile on my face. Little-Diana running away from her handler to go and watch the Amazonian warriors training and imitate them like she thinks it's the coolest thing ever is just friggin' adorable. she looked really into it and her delivery of dialogue sounded surprisingly natural for a child actor.

This film hits the ground running straight away with its presentation, the soundtrack, in general, elevates most everything (though it has to be said the placement of Hans Zimmer's Wonder Woman theme song in certain scenes is occasionally a bit jarring) and the visuals are striking in a way not usually seen in DCEU movies, in particular the aesthetic of Themyscira radiates a very Greek version of Idealism, everything there is bright, colourful and basically the perfect locale for a summer home. Which provides a stark contrast for the (much more in-keeping with DCEU aesthetics) grey and murky look of 1918 London later in the film, A contrast so powerful Diana even feels the need to comment on it, and manages to do so without it feeling forced.

I'm trying to avoid comparing this to the other DCEU movies, mostly because there is no comparison to be made, but it's difficult not to when you know it's attached to them, also Superhero films have reached a certain point in film appraisal, I think, that the only meaningful way to offer a frame of reference for quality to the casual observer is to compare them to other examples of the genre. So if I end up bashing the other DC films in comparison to this one, that's not intentional, but it may well happen.

With that said, the dialogue, for once in this franchise, feels like it was written by someone over twelve years old who has held a conversation at least once in their life, so it's already the best yet, and then it goes beyond that and actually becomes good. The characters all came across as relatable and in their own way likeable (at least the ones that were supposed to, even Chris Pine) the WWI era attitude towards women is obviously present, but mercifully kept to a reasonable level so as not to overpower the tone of the film, which, despite the often grim visuals and themes, is decidedly upbeat and optimistic for the most part,

The overall reduction in grimdark, in case you're not getting this, is a welcome breath of fresh air for me. my overall opinion of the DCEU so far in brief is that the movies tend to be oppressively dark, exhaustingly long, and nowhere near sophisticated enough to excuse either. All of this would be okay if it weren't for how unfalteringly seriously they tend to take themselves. This is not to say Wonder Woman doesn't take itself seriously, but there are plenty of laughs to be had, the script is tight, clever, and caters to its target audience without at any point crossing over into pandering territory.

In summary, Wonder Woman is not the film the DCEU deserves, but by god, it was the one it needed. Definitely go and see this one