As for subject matter, I couldn't really think of a way to approach this organically, but it might strike some that know me better as odd, that I don't tend to mention disability an awful lot, I mean, you'd think that I would, right?
Full disclosure, this isn't just talking about writing, this extends to the videos I put out, the performance work I've done for my uni courses, everything really. Unless unavoidable, which, when being anecdotal it sometimes is, I've made a point of avoiding the subject of disability altogether when possible. The only notable exception to this is when I do stand-up, people see a disabled guy on stage they expect jokes about it, far be it from me to deny them. Nobody has really asked why I don't write about it despite being more than qualified to do so, but I have mentioned my situation on this blog so it does feel like something of an elephant in the room that I should at some point address.
There are a few reasons, most of which boil down to my personal wants, foibles, and hang-ups, but broadly speaking, I never wanted to be thought of as a disability figure, not even succeeding "in spite of" disability. The basic reason for this is, frankly, I don't see it as important. It's not relevant to a lot of the stuff I do, my disability doesn't affect my ability to form sentences, therefore it shouldn't come into the equation in my writing. I originally wanted to put content out there and build an audience that would not even know I was disabled so that if someone was surprised to find I was, I could just be like "oh did I not mention that?" (hey, you never know, if I build an audience on YouTube that doesn't read this blog it might still happen)
Another reason for this is probably something to do with my anxiety, and my borderline obsessive need to be as self-aware as possible. I always felt like if I let my disability influence what I do in any way, then on some level, I was still allowing it to control my life or the content I produce. (Yes, I am aware of the fact that utterly rejecting it to this extent is every bit as "influenced" by it as writing about it would be, but if I can write without mentioning it, then it didn't affect my writing did it?) I get no enjoyment out of writing about it save the occasional bit of catharsis if I'm complaining about the way the world or people in it treats me and those in similar positions.
But that's the thing, I never want to become the person who shouts and complains about the things he doesn't like, popular though such content proves to be from other figures. (unless I'm talking about writing or entertainment, of course, I'll bitch about that 'till the cows come home.) This, coupled with my obsessive self-awareness and anxiety-driven perpetual guilt, renders me unable, in most cases, to voice my displeasure about anything related to my disability, without feeling like I'm just whingeing.
Again, this is very much my hang-up, but the fact remains that I am subconsciously unable to separate legitimate complaint from whining like a spoiled child. Rationally, I know the difference, but my brain (which you should get used to my reference to as a separate, almost hostile entity) makes me feel like those are the same thing. I've so long since internalized the idea that I should "stop whining and get on with it" that I now can't have a problem, no matter how well-founded, without that message overpowering my thought-process.
This would be fine, after all, it has allowed me to develop pretty decent coping skills, except for the fact that I feel exactly as whiny and petulant for complaining when I have every reason to do so, as I do when I'm just in a bad mood and fancy a moan. I can no longer separate writing about disability from complaining about it, which I can't separate from whining about it, which I don't like to do, so I don't do it.
There's also the fact that there's generally stuff I'd just rather write about, I also quietly resent the assumption that I would want to write about disability in the first place. Again, my hang-up, but if someone asks me why I don't write about disability, or suggests that I do, I can't help but feel like the implication there is that I can't have something to say about anything else. I know that's not what (most) people meant, but that's what it feels like. All told I absolutely despise the thought of identifying by my status as a disabled person. Despite what some others may tell you it is not in fact "who I am" or "part of my identity" it is a single facet of my existence that should not be fucking relevant to any other part thereof, no matter how many times I am shown that we, as a species are simply "not there yet."
