I'd call myself a writer, if I thought I had the right.
But to earn the right to "writer", at some point, you have to write.
So people who ask what I do, will get a smile, polite.
I'd tell them I'm a writer, but do I have the right?
That little rhyme came to me as I was looking around my local corner shop in full knowledge of what I was there for, and where it was, but it was raining outside and I wasn't in a hurry to go back out in it.
I struggle to nail down what my actual reputation is among my circle of friends. I've been called many completely contradictory things depending on who I was talking to. But one thing that is generally often said to me regadless is that I'm "creative", and while I certainly appreciate the compliment, I can't help but think of it as a bit of a misnomer. Creative people create things, and I seem to struggle with that part. It's generally known among people I talk to that I fancy myself a writer, but I don't really have much to show for that.
I have a lot of ideas, sure, but the ratio of those that materialise in any way to those that...don't is, well, not worth mentioning really. I once did a short piece for a showcase in college, it was a dramatised non-sequitor about how I can never seem to finish anything and my ideas splinter off and get away from me.
That was thirteen years ago, I've written things since, a script here, a video essay that I never put into production there. ad-hoc reviews of whatever I see at the cinema, whatever thoughts I have that stay in my head long enough to put on this blog arranged to have something resembling a theme.
Most of the things I've actually managed to finish are things that were completed in one sitting. (with the exception of that video essay script I mentioned, I actually managed to write about 24,000 words on that one, but video editing is even more difficult to maintain for me than writing ends up being) So I don't end up calling myself a writer, despite that being my most notable skill, if I ever affix that label to myself in a bio or something, I tend to pair the word with the elongated asterisk that is the "aspiring" prefix. At least until I finish one of the what, nineteen novels I have the first few pages to a couple of chapters of lying around, to say nothing of that one big one that I keep changing my mind on what I want it to be.
I do other things as well, I have a Youtube channel that has basically devolved into an archive of shitposts, because anything of any complexity is really hard for me to pick up again once I put it down. I am ostensibly a performer, even though opportunities to do so are rare. Did stand up for the first time in a while a few weeks ago at a convention. I didn't think I did very well, but people kept coming up to me and telling me how funny it was, so I'll take that. I also stream on Twitch, but that's more a way to do something I was gonna do anyway and still feel productive, so I don't tend to mention that as much, even though that is by far the thing I manage to do the most consistently.
I've not managed to get a diagnosis, it's hard to get that done in the UK, what usually happens is you call your GP, they say they'll get back to you about a referral, and then don't. But I'm fairly certain that my trouble with focusing is down to ADHD. I have friends with it who consistently tell me that the experiences I describe line up with it. The inability to do anything important until the last minute, rampant procrastination, even on stuff I want to do, short bursts of hyperfixation with complete inability to follow-up after, being prone to tangents, bad time management, etc, etc. So, whooptie-doo, I have a convenient excuse.
Without a formal diagnosis I'm not getting medicated for it. (edit: I should mention that in the UK, such things are not available for purchase and are tightly-controlled) Absent such, the most I can do to manage it is find whatever way I can to trick my brain into letting me be something resembling productive, I've been taught and picked up a few techniques over the years, none of them work consistently for long, but if you switch them up, sometimes if you can find the right sequence you can stave off the self-loathing for weeks at a time, so I'll write a few of them down here, maybe someone will find them useful.
1. Make your bed first thing.
This is probably the easiest one, once you've done that, you already have some momentum going, that's one task finished, you've already got the ball rolling, which is the hardest part.
2. Make a bullet-point list of small things to do tomorrow
This one can help for the same reasons, it helps keep momentum going, I think it's important you keep the tasks small and manageable, it also just feels good to cross stuff off the list.
3. the three-minute challenge.
Put simply, whatever it is you want to get started on, set a timer for three minutes and challenge yourself to do as much as you can within that time, you might actually build some momentum and want to keep going.
4. Procrasti-work
The problem with all of the previous techniques, is that they're all tasks in themselves, and therefore, on a bad day, can be just as difficult as what they're supposed to help you get moving on. That in mind, always make sure you have two things you should be doing if possible. That way, you can put off one by doing the other, then something gets done either way. (I'm putting off something else to write this even now)
5. Association
This is a very situational one and will only work for specific things, but if you're in the midst of a hyperfixation right now, try to relate it to things you need to get done somehow.
6. Gamification
Another situational one, but if you're having trouble making yourself do something, try to make some kind of a game with it, sort of like the three-minute challenge, but the game can be whatever works with the task.
7. fidget-work to audio
This will depend entirely on how much attention you need to give your current task, but put on some music, or an audiobook, or a podcast, this will pull on your attention so you won't get bored with whatever you're doing, it helps me get through visits to the gym, or tidying up on the occasion I can make myself do that.
Side note, tidying up is quite difficult for me, not just because of my physical limitations, but ADHD changes how you interact with a room. (at least I assume that's why based on what I've been able to gather) When I enter a room, there is the room, and whatever in the room has my immediate attention. Everything else is just part of the background for me, if there were anything on the floor I'd go right past it without noticing anything out of the ordinary. I don't even see when the room gets messy, it starts with a can or bottle on the floor, and before I know what's happened I'm sitting in a landfill and I really couldn't tell you when any significant shift happened, nor can I usually get my head around making a start.
8. don't check social media first thing
I've been trying to cut down on the scrolling in general really, it's a timesink and can kill any momentum you manage to get. Fact is, I have trouble task-switching, and whenever a person shifts focus from one thing to another, the brain sort of soft-resets itself I think. Scrolling through Facebook and Twitter first thing is an excellent way to drain all your momentum and trap yourself, there's a reason it's called "Doomscrolling." Social media is designed to pull at your focus and keep you engaged, to the more impulsive among us, that's a hell of a trap. Messages are probably fine, but no scrolling until tasks are completed.
9. Spite
There isn't really a nicer way to say that, in the same ways the stress of a deadline can get one with ADHD moving, channeling any anger or negative emotions you might be feeling can do wonders for productivity if you can do it, I think it's the adrenaline. God knows some of the posts on this very blog were written in a state of frustration. I wouldn't recommend relying on this one though.
That's all I can think of off the top of my head. Hopefully someone with similar struggles to mine will stumble on something they hadn't tried yet. Anyway, I can feel my momentum waning, so I should wrap this up before I put down this laptop and forget what I was doing...or suddenly change my mind and decide this post was a terrible idea and not do it, chances of either happening are about equal.
