So, a formal diagnosis I may not have, but ADHD, I definitely do, and I can tell you how I know, I discovered the dopamine cycle.
For those unfamiliar, one of the effects of ADHD is low dopamine production in the brain. Dopamine is, to put it as simply as I can, the "happy" chemical. It also gives motivation and focus. Point being, ADHD brains don't get enough of it.
The results of this can vary wildly. ADHD has other symptoms too, more or less consistent with failing online dementia tests, (I took six different ones in one day and failed every single fucking one, which is slightly worrying.) But it does explain, among many other things, my always having been disorganised, unfocused, and having no working sense of direction at all. So, fuck it, I'm claiming it, because I've been asking doctors to look into a diagnosis for years, and what generally happens is they say they'll put you on a six year long waiting list and then don't even do that. If the end result is "fucking nothing" anyway, I don't feel like waiting forever on the off chance of being told something that as far as I'm concerned, I already know.
Anyway, getting back to the dopamine thing, Your brain and body know when something is wrong, and they tell you, unfortunately we humans aren't always the best at interpreting what our bodies tell us.
A brain that doesn't get enough dopamine will have you seek more, and this can manifest in a variety of ways. Many ADHDers develop eating disorders, have addictive personalities, or have trouble regulating sleep, screen-time, or other such things that require, well, a level of control over your brain that you're not going to have when it's screaming at you to address an imbalance.
I didn't really understand this, until I started trying to spike my own dopamine levels. More on that later.
side-note, another common symptom of ADHD is that caffeine has a diminished effect on the person in question, pushing them, not to the usual "wired" state but something slightly closer to approximating regular functionality, at least temporarily, which, honestly, when I found that out, expalined so much.
the most frustrating symptom of ADHD is "Executive Disfunction." Executive Function is the process that happens in the brain where you transition from thinking about doing something, to actually doing it. If you imagine that process as crossing a bridge between intention and action...basically, my bridge is fucking broken.
It is really hard for me to make myself do things, especially important things, because they are important things, and I really don't know how to explain that to someone who doesn't already know what I mean.
To illustrate the struggle some, quick story, it was a while ago now, but it's still my best example. My penultimate assignment for my MA was a 4,000 word essay, that's not huge, but here's the thing. I had never managed to get anything down on a written assignment unless it was the night before it's due. Executive Dysfunction tends to outwardly manifest as procrastination. Not for lack of trying mind you, the amount of time I've spent sat in front of a screen determined not to move until something is done only to be completely unable to get my head around doing anything doesn't bear thinking about, not to mention the amount of energy wasted by stressing over it. This is one such situation.
It was the night before the night before my assignment was due, I sat at my computer, determined that at least once I'd have something done ahead of time. I closed all social media tabs and left my phone on the other side of the room on purpose.
Long story short, by the time the sun rose the following day I'd managed to write maybe 400 words. The stress of Master's in general affected me mentally in ways I'm only recently starting to feel like I've maybe recovered from, but this was the one actual breakdown I'd had in my five years of academia. Sobbing hysterically, I banged my head against the wall repeatedly, and slumped onto my bed, defeated. Shortly thereafter, my mum entered the room, didn't say anything, but implied from the attempt to comfort me that she understood the gist of what went down. Later, after sleeping, since I hadn't that night, I relayed the experience to a friend, remarking that the worst part of it was that I could've slept that night, and my position would not have appreciably worsened for doing so.
I've been called "lazy" my entire life for my general lack of focus and organisation. I never really argued with it. frankly, I couldn't have disputed it if I wanted to, the evidence, or in terms of my schoolwork as a kid, lack thereof, spoke for itself, and perhaps I am still, to a point. But that breakdown in 2018 confirmed for me that, lazy or not, something else was wrong. Laziness doesn't keep you from getting to things you want to do, laziness doesn't stop you from doing things you actually care about. I wasn't simply unmotivated, (though that was also a frequent problem) I was unable.
Months later I was saying as much to a friend of mine, who said "It sounds like you have ADHD." They then proceeded to recount their own experiences of it to me, which essentially was them telling me my own school experience without my ever having gone into it with them, that was my first clue.
Previously I had gone to my GP about my trouble getting myself to do things (the mess around, and left by, that GP is a story in itself, but that's not for this post.) I was told to "just stop it." and given the (in)famous "Eat That Frog" book. The productivity advice book that is just a fair few ways of saying "get it out of the way and you'll feel better." Well shit! I NEVER WOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF THAT!
Anyway, I bring that up because, well, getting back to dopamine, and the underproduction thereof in ADHD brains. That's just not good advice for someone with that type of brain. the low levels of dopamine make tackling tasks next to impossible, especially if they're larger, more daunting tasks. Which brings me to what I hope is the helpful part of this post.
What is "The Dopamine Cycle?"
To put it simply, the dopamine cycle, is acknowledging 2 things, and putting them into practice, firstly, that those with ADHD or just executive dysfunction are at a disadvantage with their dopamine levels, and secondly, completing tasks, boosts dopamine. Unfortunately, tasks are exactly the thing we struggle to initiate.
The closest we have to a solution then, is to turn the "Eat that Frog" philosophy, on it's head. Don't try to do the hardest thing first. You'll only run up against a wall, instead, focus on crossing things off your to-do list for the day, start with the easiest thing, you'll build momentum, and dopamine with it.
A thing you have to acknowledge is that any given person only has so much energy per day. You also have the most you're going to have early on. The key then, is to start early, start small, keep momentum going. It doesn't matter what you do, or in what order, you'll be surprised how much of it you can get to.
Another helpful hint is, if you can, take cold showers, I read somewhere that they can boost dopamine production by up to 40% that is going to be crucial if you've got a lot to do that day.
The first time I heard this advice, I decided to try it. Now, here's where I admit to something a little embarrassing. I'm a very untidy person. My room can sometimes look like the trash compactor from Star Wars and...well, I don't know if this is an ADHD thing, or a "me" thing, but I don't see it happening.
My room can go from tidy to bombsite over a period of time, and I could honestly not tell you when anything significant happened to aid this transition. When I enter a room, I see what has my immediate attention, and everything else is just part of the background. I don't see mess happening until it reaches critical mass, at which point, I don't even know where the hell to start.
So my first try at this dopamine cycle thing was to see how far I could get cleaning my living space.
Over the next two days, one for my bedroom, one for my bathroom, I successfully cleaned for the first time in my life, using this dopamine cycle as a way to keep momentum going. Mum had to do a tip run, that's how bad it was, but I managed it, which is sometihng I've never been able to get my head around before. All it took was starting small, doing one thing at a time, and a thing I did that I found helped, was making a list of things as I did them, to cross them off, it's weird but there's a real catharsis to that.
It's also worth mentioning, the tasks can be tiny, the first items on my list every day are
-Duolingo (as I can do that in bed)
-make bed
-take meds
-brush teeth
-shower
and like that, you're already rolling, bonus points if it was a cold shower for that extra dopamine boost. It is important to note, however that, even if you do all this, you're still gonna have bad days. One of the biggest motivators for ADHD brains is novelty, which will quickly wear off. So you're gonna have to find a way to keep things fresh. As much as I hate the advice "find what works for you" because it tells you fucking nothing. You really do have to find what works for you. These are a few things that worked for me, at least for a while, I'm back to having a bit of a bad time recently, but hopefully, they'll work for you too.
A recent development, and one I don't recommend without reservation unless you're sure you want to try it. I read that caffiene tablets work similarly to ADHD medication, so I took one, now, at the time I was dubious about doing this because for several reasons I was in the middle of a bout of severe anxiety, but you know what? It helped even me out for a bit. HOW THE HELL DOES THAT MAKE SENSE!? HOW DOES MY FUCKING BRAIN TAKE "MORE CAFFEINE" AND MAKE IT A MODERATING INFLUENCE FOR ANXIETY!?
That quickly lost it's effectiveness though, and caused a few stomach issues, so I wouldn't really recommend it, especially often, but...maybe for emergencies.
So yeah, if you have bad working memory, sense of direction, or can down a can of monster and still fall asleep soon after, you might have ADHD. You might also have real trouble making yourself do things, and that's okay. It's not your fault, you're not "just lazy" (even if you are, it's not necessarily the problem.) And even if you can't get medical help for this, there are things you can do, there are ways you can fight this, and hopefully I've let you know about a few.
I'll tell you this for free, I have Cerebral Palsy, and am a full-time wheelchair user. As much as that gets in my way (largely due to inaccessibility on the part of public spaces) if I could ditch one thing and keep the other, I'd keep the chair. ADHD gets in my way so much more. I can use a wheelchair, I can't use a brain that won't work with me. So yeah, if you're struggling...I get it.
Thanks for reading.
