Okay so my previous promise in March to start writing more turned out to be a total lie, sorry about that.
At time of writing I have my doubts I'm even going to finish this post, but let's just start writing and see what happens. And just like that I left it there for about 24 hours before returning to write this sentence telling you that, so that didn't go well.
And I don't even know how many days it's been since I wrote that, this is not going well at all.
so, here I sit, at 2:16am, and struggling to sleep even though there's no way I should. Doctor started me on a benzo to treat anxiety, not sure if it's the entire problem, but I am worried about eventual withdrawal, even though it is a very small dose, I was supposed to call back today, but I couldn't get through in time for a consultation, they were all gone by the time I got to the front of the queue, on Monday, when I do, I'll ask about that. if there's one thing the last couple of months have taught me it's that I do not tolerate illness well, so I do NOT want to deal with withdrawal.
of course being cooped up in here for ten months didn't do my mental state any favours, so I'm glad of the help. I'd really like to be COVID vaccinated already so I can at least take one thing off my mind.
It's now 3:20am on Thursday the 18th of February as I sit and type this. I'm not doing well, honestly, not doing well at all.
I've been having one problem after another and they don't seem to be stopping. the anxiety isn't going away. Mum's tried to get me an inoculation so I might at least be able to go outside, but no luck. I've got to say I'm getting close to the end of my proverbial tether. every problem I have I hope it will go away if I give it a few days, and some do, but by then another has surfaced. I hate to whine like this but I really am getting sick of it. I might just leave this unposted until I'm satisfied I'm not going to add more to it, sort of a record of thoughts, that I, for some reason have the inclination to get down, but we'll see.
08:26am on the same day, just had to sign for a delivery, guy comes RIGHT the fuck up to me with no mask on. Jumped straight in the shower afterward, but that's cold comfort at best, no proof that does anything
11:25pm, same day. in pain in several places, anxiety spiking and receding now and then, cannot get enough water. Upon further thought I reckon I'm just going to post this now, and edit and add to it if I get any more thoughts to put down. seems like kind of a waste if I never post it. I've never felt less secure than I do now, so I don't know, maybe I'll feel better leaving some kind of log,
No comments:
Post a Comment